


a prayer to the air, the air that we breathe

by TheEternal (XxmaniacxX)



Series: anthrocene [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, and this my take on it, just a lot of feelings about the endgame ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:33:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26331955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XxmaniacxX/pseuds/TheEternal
Summary: Steve reflects on his decisions while walking around Bucharest under the rain. (not an Endgame fix-it but my take on it)
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: anthrocene [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913434
Kudos: 5





	a prayer to the air, the air that we breathe

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to Anthrocene by Nick Cave while writing this, hence the title.

“Come back”, he whispered. 

The only thought rattling inside himself like a kicked tin on the sidewalk. Litter in his head. Only those two words. 

Did he really think he could do this on his own? Had he really been caught in such foolish desires? It was too true that you only value that which you’ve lost.   


He was walking under the rain, hoodie up, sunglasses on. Nobody would have noticed how his sealed lips turned into a grimace. Still, there was no one to notice, the streets were almost empty under such weather. Local grocers packed their produce in a hurry, shielding from the downpour. A stray plum landed at his feet.

It stung more than he’d care to admit. A fucking plum in the middle of the road was all it took.

Anger flared. Mistakes. Too many mistakes. He’d been so reckless, too reckless. Too much blood in his eyes. Steve had never stopped and thought about the blood in his eyes. Blind for so long. Blind because too much didn’t matter, had never mattered at all. 

He’d been staring at it for a full minute before he realized. Bending over to pick it, his sunglasses fell and cracked. Clenched hands, clenched teeth. Two hands full of broken things. Pulp in black and blue.

He laughed. He’d cared so much about having a life like he’d always been told to, about following this dream in his head. It had always been fake. Fake expectations. Who had he wanted to please? Peggy? Howard? The idea the other avengers had of him? It didn’t matter now. He laughed. It didn’t matter at all, now, did it? Now that he had nothing but never-matters in his hand.

Steve looked once at the emotional debris before dropping it to the pavement. Let it be taken by the water and time. Time, the one who had taken everything away. The one thing he’d believed was his; even if for a fleeting moment, he’d believed time was his. Sand in the palm of your hand right before it starts to slip away. Control, time, a future, a past.

But that, too, was slipping. Slipping and spinning and tumbling drunkenly out of control. Life, a haze. Nothing. He had nothing, again. 

He started to unravel one thought and next thing he knew, he was stepping into a bar. Drenched. The bartender didn’t seem to mind. A scotch was ordered. Trapped inside himself, trapped in thoughts. 

_ There are lessons you never seem to learn, Steve. Your head grapples with it, grasping, trying at least, to grasp onto something, anything, to not fall into the abyss.  _

**_Be honest. You’ve always been in the dark_ ** _. Shield. Hydra. The Accords. The truth has always been a luxury. Yet the only true thing in your life, the only fucking truth that never waivered, never faltered, was never hesitant or cowardly, was  _ **_him._ **

**_What will you do now that you’ve fallen?_ **

She laid the order in front of his blue eyes.  **_Drink._ **

Bitter. It tasted bitter and he deserved that. He deserved it, for fucking up, for fucking off, for fucking looking away. The alcohol never affected him but he needed an excuse to feel without shame. Unbearable. Clouding. Harsh and bitter and warm down his throat. 

One after the other...

Come back. Drink. Come back. Drink. I’m sorry. Drink. I made a mistake. Drink.

Drink. Drink. Drink.

...until the bar closed. 

If not for the serum he would’ve died of alcohol poisoning an hour ago. If not for the serum, he would’ve been dead by now. Thanks fuck for the serum. Maybe it would have been better to die a scrawny kid with asthma, a scrawny kid with asthma and  _ Bucky _ , than to be alone.

He stumbled through the streets, red eyed, lost, forever lost. Plum skyes right before dawn. Everything came back to him. Every. single. thing. 

Pity leads to anger, more often than not. Or fury, exacerbated by the memories. Those rooftops were where they'd ran away from the feds. That room where he’d seen him, the real him, after half a century. Thrown away over his naivety. Thrown a future away over … what exactly? The fact that he couldn’t explain it to himself spoke loud. So fucking loud. 

Couldn’t contain it anymore. His body was too weak for it. He’d gone through loss but this felt like bleeding out. It felt like a thousand fire ants had nested in his chest and were carving it’s way out. Out. He needed it  **out.**

A scream.

“Come home” 

Thrashed throat. It hurt more, if it was possible. But the fire in his lungs was worse than the pained breaths. The flame had to be coughed out or it would consume him forever, a pyre for all his unspoken sins. It didn’t matter. It should’ve been him. In this universe, in this point in time. In this life. It should’ve been him.

“I’m begging you please to come home, now!”

“I’m begg-”, laboured pants, mucus and spit, “-begging you.” 

A dot on an alley. One jumbled up mess of clothes. Stains. A beggar, on his knees, reeking of alcohol, shouting on a foreign tongue.

“Come home, Buck.”

Left was only the wreckage of a life wasted without the one you love.

**Author's Note:**

> I know I haven't updated my other two fics but here i am with a new one. I know.
> 
> Bucky's POV the other work on the series
> 
> Feedback is encouraged!! Thank you for reading <3


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